Post by complicatedlife on Jul 28, 2009 12:09:17 GMT -5
Voice Over: And now for something completely different. The office of Sir George Head, OBE.
Large study with maps and photographs on the wall and a large desk at which sits Sir George Head.
Sir: Next please.
Arthur walks into the room and up to the desk.
Sir: (looking up) One at a time please.
Bob There is only me, sir.
Sir (putting a hand over one eye) So there is. Take a . . .
Sir: Seat! Take a seat. So! (looking over to Bob's right) You want to join my mountaineering expedition do you? (keeps looking off to right)
Bob (rather uncertain) Me, sir?
Bob: Yes, I'd very much like to, sir.
Sir: Jolly good, jolly good. (he ticks the sheet and then looks straight at Bob) And how about you?
Bob: There is only me, sir.
Sir (putting hand over eye and looking both at Bob and to Bob's right) Well bang goes his application then. (he tears up form) Now let me fill you in. I'm leading this expedition and we're going to climb both peaks of Mount Kilimanjaro.
Bob: I thought there was only one peak, sir.
Sir: (getting up, putting one hand over one eye again and going to large map of Africa on wall and peering at it at point-blank range) Well, that'll save a bit of time. Well done. Now the object of this expedition is to see if we can find any traces of last year's expedition.
Bob: Last year's expedition?
Sir: Yes, my brother was leading that, they were going to build a bridge between the two peaks, (looks at map with one hand over eye)
Post by complicatedlife on Jul 29, 2009 20:28:38 GMT -5
Storyteller: (sitting with large children's book, at desk) Hello, Children, hello. Here is this morning's story. Are you ready? Then we'll begin. (opens book; reads) 'One day Ricky the magic Pixie went to visit Daisy Bumble in her tumbledown cottage. He found her in the bedroom. Roughly he grabbed her heavy shoulders pulling her down on to the bed and ripping off her...; (reads silently, turns over page quickly, smiles) 'Old Nick the Sea Captain was a rough tough jolly sort of fellow. He loved the life of the sea and he loved to hang out down by the pier where the men dressed as ladies...' (reads on silently; a stick enters vision and pokes him; he starts and turns over page) ..... 'Rumpletweezer ran the Dinky Tinky shop in the foot of the magic oak tree by the wobbly dumdum bush in the shade of the magic glade down in Dingly Dell. Here he sold contraceptives and ... discipline?... naked? ... (without looking up, reads a bit; then, incredulously to himself) With a melon!?
Post by complicatedlife on Jul 31, 2009 12:32:38 GMT -5
TV Presenter: And now, the men of the Second Armored Division with their famous close order swanning about.
Sergeant: Squad... *Camp* it *up*!
Soldiers: [soldiers all chant in unison while mincing] Ooh, get her! Whoops, I've got your number ducky, you couldn't afford me dear, two three. I'll scratch your eyes out! Don't come the Brigadier bit with us, dear, we all know where you've been, you military fairy. Two, three, one, two, three, four, five, six. Whoops! Don't look now girls, the man has just minced in with that jolly colour Sergeant, two three. Oooh!
Man: "That was not five minutes just now." Mr. Vibrating: "I told you I'm not allowed to argue with you unless you've paid." Man: "I just paid." Mr. Vibrating: "No you haven't." Man: "Yes I have." Mr. Vibrating: "No you haven't." Man: "Look, I don't want to argue about this." Mr. Vibrating: "Well you didn't pay." Man: "Aha! If I didn't pay, why are you arguing? See, I've got you." Mr. Vibrating: "Not necessarily. I could be arguing in my spare time." Man: "I've had enough of this." Mr. Vibrating: "No you haven't."