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Post by complicatedlife on Jul 28, 2009 12:09:17 GMT -5
Voice Over: And now for something completely different. The office of Sir George Head, OBE.
Large study with maps and photographs on the wall and a large desk at which sits Sir George Head.
Sir: Next please.
Arthur walks into the room and up to the desk.
Sir: (looking up) One at a time please.
Bob There is only me, sir.
Sir (putting a hand over one eye) So there is. Take a . . .
Bob: Seat?
Sir: Seat! Take a seat. So! (looking over to Bob's right) You want to join my mountaineering expedition do you? (keeps looking off to right)
Bob (rather uncertain) Me, sir?
Sir: Yes.
Bob: Yes, I'd very much like to, sir.
Sir: Jolly good, jolly good. (he ticks the sheet and then looks straight at Bob) And how about you?
Bob: There is only me, sir.
Sir (putting hand over eye and looking both at Bob and to Bob's right) Well bang goes his application then. (he tears up form) Now let me fill you in. I'm leading this expedition and we're going to climb both peaks of Mount Kilimanjaro.
Bob: I thought there was only one peak, sir.
Sir: (getting up, putting one hand over one eye again and going to large map of Africa on wall and peering at it at point-blank range) Well, that'll save a bit of time. Well done. Now the object of this expedition is to see if we can find any traces of last year's expedition.
Bob: Last year's expedition?
Sir: Yes, my brother was leading that, they were going to build a bridge between the two peaks, (looks at map with one hand over eye)
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Post by uncleson on Jul 28, 2009 15:38:13 GMT -5
There's nothing an agnostic can't do if he doesn't know whether he believes in anything or not
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Post by Smiley on Jul 28, 2009 15:41:48 GMT -5
What's wrong with fruit? You think you know it all, eh?
Palin: Can't we do something else?
Idle (Welsh): Like someone who attacks you with a pointed stick?
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Post by complicatedlife on Jul 28, 2009 22:33:06 GMT -5
And Oliver has run himself over,
...what a great twit!
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Post by complicatedlife on Jul 29, 2009 15:15:58 GMT -5
We have a lot of trouble with these oldies. Pension day's the worst - they go mad. As soon as they get their hands on their money they blow it all on milk, bread, tea, tin of meat for the cat.
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Post by HollyH on Jul 29, 2009 15:40:32 GMT -5
Now go away or I shall taunt you a second time.
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Post by Smiley on Jul 29, 2009 16:24:13 GMT -5
He is packing it in and packing it up And sneaking away and buggering up And chickening out and pissing off home, Yes, bravely he is throwing in the sponge.
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Post by complicatedlife on Jul 29, 2009 20:28:38 GMT -5
Storyteller: (sitting with large children's book, at desk) Hello, Children, hello. Here is this morning's story. Are you ready? Then we'll begin. (opens book; reads) 'One day Ricky the magic Pixie went to visit Daisy Bumble in her tumbledown cottage. He found her in the bedroom. Roughly he grabbed her heavy shoulders pulling her down on to the bed and ripping off her...; (reads silently, turns over page quickly, smiles) 'Old Nick the Sea Captain was a rough tough jolly sort of fellow. He loved the life of the sea and he loved to hang out down by the pier where the men dressed as ladies...' (reads on silently; a stick enters vision and pokes him; he starts and turns over page) ..... 'Rumpletweezer ran the Dinky Tinky shop in the foot of the magic oak tree by the wobbly dumdum bush in the shade of the magic glade down in Dingly Dell. Here he sold contraceptives and ... discipline?... naked? ... (without looking up, reads a bit; then, incredulously to himself) With a melon!?
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Post by Smiley on Jul 31, 2009 11:26:39 GMT -5
Well, we'll not risk another frontal assault. That rabbit's dynamite.
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Post by complicatedlife on Jul 31, 2009 12:32:38 GMT -5
TV Presenter: And now, the men of the Second Armored Division with their famous close order swanning about.
Sergeant: Squad... *Camp* it *up*!
Soldiers: [soldiers all chant in unison while mincing] Ooh, get her! Whoops, I've got your number ducky, you couldn't afford me dear, two three. I'll scratch your eyes out! Don't come the Brigadier bit with us, dear, we all know where you've been, you military fairy. Two, three, one, two, three, four, five, six. Whoops! Don't look now girls, the man has just minced in with that jolly colour Sergeant, two three. Oooh!
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Post by HollyH on Jul 31, 2009 18:59:38 GMT -5
Man: "That was not five minutes just now." Mr. Vibrating: "I told you I'm not allowed to argue with you unless you've paid." Man: "I just paid." Mr. Vibrating: "No you haven't." Man: "Yes I have." Mr. Vibrating: "No you haven't." Man: "Look, I don't want to argue about this." Mr. Vibrating: "Well you didn't pay." Man: "Aha! If I didn't pay, why are you arguing? See, I've got you." Mr. Vibrating: "Not necessarily. I could be arguing in my spare time." Man: "I've had enough of this." Mr. Vibrating: "No you haven't."
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Post by Smiley on Aug 3, 2009 17:54:21 GMT -5
Sir Bedevere: Tell me. What do you do with witches? Peasant 1: Burn them. Sir Bedevere: And what do you burn, apart from witches? Peasant 1: More witches.
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Post by uncleson on Aug 4, 2009 13:23:00 GMT -5
A year passed: winter changed into spring, spring changed into summer, summer changed back into winter, and winter gave spring and summer a miss and went straight on into autumn... until one day...
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Post by complicatedlife on Aug 4, 2009 13:51:38 GMT -5
Still no sign of land. How long is it?
That's a rather personal question, sir.
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Post by powerman on Aug 4, 2009 13:57:17 GMT -5
Of course, it’s a bit of a jump, isn’t it? I mean, er… chartered accountancy to lion taming in one go… You don’t think it might be better if you worked your way towards lion taming, say via banking?
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